Daily Archives: 01/19/2012

“Resident Evil: Retribution” gets a teaser trailer…Now with screencaps!

The folk at Sony’s genre label, Screen Gems, know their audience.

Ladies and Gentlemen, it's "Mama Mia 2"...

We’re not bothered by review embargoes, lousy reviews or any of that stuff.  We want genre, we want it made by reasonably competent film makers and, if possible, headlined by actresses who look barely capable of picking up their dry cleaning without an entourage in tow, let alone in kicking the snot out of zombies, were-beasts and toothsome Euro Trash.

Accordingly, Screen Gems have chosen this Friday’s release of “Underworld: Awakening” to debut the trailer for this autumn’s fifth (count ’em) entry in the remarkably resilient “Resident Evil” sequence of action horror movies, “Resident Evil: Retribution”.

And – it’s a doozy.

No, you're not imagining things. This is how the trailer begins.

Beginning with the most absurd piece of product placement since the last Bond movie, the trailer for Paul W.S. Anderson’s latest has nearly thirty seconds of smiling, pretty people speaking to camera for some kind of infomercial, each one of them happily  brandishing some piece of Sony home electronics consumer tech which defines their oh-so-photogenic lifestyles.

Look, a PS Vita! What does this have to do with "Resi", again?

How very nice and synergistic.

That'll be Ada Wong's introduction into the films, then.

This surreal advertorial abruptly shifts into a scene of utterly razor-toothed mayhem, as Milla Jovovich pops up on top of a besieged White House, and a sizzle reel ensues.  Massive mutant creatures chasing a vehicle,  a fleet of armed heli-gunships, surprise returning characters, new global locations and lots of the utterly insane action which has become this series’ defining characteristic.

My name's Alice. And I remember everything. Or nothing. Possibly some Kung Fu.

Physics?  Plausibility? A pox on ye!

And then EVERYTHING exploded...

There’s some kind of correlation to be drawn between the reviews for these movies – try to find a critic who likes them – and their ever-increasing success at the global box office.  Like the similarly critically reviled “Fast and Furious” movies, the opinions of the critical establishment have no bearing on the audience paying their money to go to see each film, as each film makes a ton of money and begets another sequel in another two years or so, in some strange parody of the way that the movie business is supposed to work.

Mr Wesker respects your critical view of his film. Please now allow his Zombie Rotweillers to eat you. Have a nice day.

A movie series based on a video game sequence acting as an agent of unpredictable agitation in a staid entertainment sector and making up new rules on the fly?  Stranger things have happened.

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“Skyrim” gets Bronied…

You’ve seen the cover versions of the theme song, you’ve seen glitchy YouTube videos aplenty, you’ve even seen industrious modders inserting Macho Man Randy Savage into the PC version – now behold the greatest “Skyrim” remix yet.

Fear the terrifying beast! Run away! Run for your life!

It’s “My Little (Skyrim) Pony” time (via Bitter Wallet).

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Chuck Norris kicks cursing to the curb…

I don’t know how to feel about this news.

Chuck Norris’ participation in “The Expendables 2” was apparently contingent on the swearing being excised from the screenplay, reports reveal today – here’s Empire Online’s take.

The retirement home's monthly outing got ugly really quickly...

The iconic Martial Arts star does not do bad language and deferred his sign-up to the Sylvester Stallone-fronted OAP shoot-em-up until any hint of Anglo-Saxon verbiage in the script was kicked in the head, thrown through a window and summarily set on fire.  I like to think that’s how the writers got rid of the cursing – the truth may be far more prosaic.

In any case, whilst I normally find swearing in movies to be a sign that all concerned have abandoned wit altogether and just pursued the easiest possible way to give the appearance of being edgy and outlaw-like, I do find Chuck Norris’ attitude to be a little absurd in this context.

So, it’s okay to beat the crap out of everyone, shoot lots of people in the head, break no end of limbs and generally pursue as much violence as the running time of the film will allow, just so long as little Jimmy and Jennifer don’t hear any harsh language in the process?

Having watched the first, rather underwhelming movie, I’m not in any real hurry to see 2012’s iteration of Sly’s latest late career franchise, particularly as it struck me as a film rather in denial of what it actually was.  A lot of the press before the movie wanted you to believe that “The Expendables” was a contemporary riff on the ‘Last Badasses Standing’ genre of action flick – a latter-day take on “The Wild Bunch” made for an audience more used to seeing antiseptic, CGI-enhanced superhero pictures than films with beaten-up stuntmen, practical effects and anti-heroes who bleed all over the place.

What we got instead was a pumped-up, splatter-fest “A-Team” adventure with Stallone’s all-star cast of macho action heroes running away from explosions in slow motion and hapless stunt folk being shot to pieces with guns the size of small family cars, all in the name of Freedom, Justice and other ephemeral concepts popular in the uncomplicated action cinema of the 1980’s and early to mid 1990’s.

I can personally do without sanitized action films, so the knowledge that “The Expendables 2” is PG 13 in the US makes it a Blu Ray rental rather than a cinema visit, at least as far as I’m concerned.  Your mileage may vary, but I find it more than a little weird that kids are admitted to a violent, bloody action flick just so long as harsh language is excised from the proceedings.

Hypocrisy, much?

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