Happy Valentine’s Day – here’s “Transformers 4” for you.

If you’re celebrating the Hallmark company’s favourite holiday of the year, I hope that it’s brought all of the joy and loveliness that you might reasonably hope for.

"So, Mike, you're sure Devastator's Junk is crucial to the scene, right?"

For me, it’s brought the not exactly welcome news that Michael Bay is going to direct another “Transformers” film, due for release in the summer of 2014.

And – intriguingly – it’s described as something of a reboot for the series, which presents the decidedly odd prospect of Bay going back to code and making a new start with a franchise he’s been already been instrumental in bringing to the screen (whatever you think of them, the film versions of the Transformers characters are absolutely torn from Bay’s id and his visual stamp is all over the movies).

So, is this a tacit admission that the movies have become more unwieldy, noisy and adolescent as they’ve gone along or just Bay getting to jettison any notion of subtlety, tact or taste and spraying the screen with as many explosions, models in cut-off shorts and urination gags as his highly paid writers can dream up (for shame, Ehren Kruger, for shame…)?

Whatever the case, before the entirely irresistable “T4” starts shooting, Bay will make his long-cherished black comedy, “Pain & Gain”, which is currently headlined by Dwayne Johnson and Mark Wahlberg and relates the no doubt delightful real-life tale of kidnap, torture and mayhem down Miami way, carried out in the oily and steroid-drenched world of body building.

And yet, no role for Dame Judi Dench in that film – who’d have thunk?

 

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