Tag Archives: GI Joe: Retaliation

“G.I. Joe” – Evacuation!

What if you made a summer movie and nobody went?

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NOT coming soon to a theatre near you…

This appears to be the line of thought over at Paramount, where their imminent blockbuster-in-waiting, the sequel “G.I. Joe – Retaliation” has suddenly been yanked from its June 25th release date and given a March 2013 release.

Officially, this is due to a need to bolt-on a 3D conversion to the film, as Paramount’s press release would have us believe that the delay is necessary to do the job properly and so take advantage of the foreign box office’s insatiable desire for 3D Sci-Fi Action flicks.

Unofficially, having seen Universal’s “Battleship” take a beating at the hands of Earth’s Mightiest Heroes, Paramount didn’t fancy having their summer flick get a one-two drubbing from The Amazing Spider-Man and The Dark Knight Rises” and ran scared to a far less busy, free of superheroes weekend in 2013.

What do we really think caused this abrupt decision?  Probably a bit from column A and a bit from column B – If the other super-flicks of this summer have half the appeal of “The Avengers”, Paramount are going to look very smart and have protected their considerable investment by tailoring it to where the global film market is going.

China and Russia love their 3D action and are accounting for an ever-larger slice of box office takings – if you could get a chunk of that cash, wouldn’t you make an effort?  Even if, you know, it involved taking your 2-D flick and daubing the equivalent of a virtual moustache on it.

Who knows, by this point in 2013 the post-conversion technology may have improved to such a point that the words “Post-Converted 3D” won’t fill discerning nerds with uncommon dread…

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“G.I. Joe – Retaliation” gets new trailer, destroys the Big Smoke…

What is it with Hollywood and destroying London?

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No sooner had I put my feet up and begun to enjoy the latest trailer for G.I. Joe: Retaliation than I was confronted with merry old London town biting the big one again, via the intercession of some sketchy space missile thingy.  Not that I’m the biggest fan of our capital city – I only visit if I absolutely have to – but it would be nice for an American film to grasp the complex reality that there are other cities in the UK.

Yep, that's going to give Boris a few sleepless nights...

Is it too much to hope for a major Hollywood blockbuster to pick on Birmingham or Manchester for a change?  Surely Leeds needs to be rendered into ashes by a stray super missile?  Mindless destruction equality now!  Blow up some different places for a change!

But, I digress…

There’s a new trailer for this deliciously silly looking comic book action fest, which seems to be marking out its place on the calendar as an unpretentious and marked improvement on the unwatchable original entry in the series – I don’t have any history with the action figures, but this could be the daft action extravaganza which manages to erase the bad taste that the increasingly horrible Transformers films left in my mouth as that series veered ever deeper into the darker recesses of Michael Bay‘s ID.

It’s nearly the summer, I’m really going to want to escape the ad nauseam Olympics hype in the UK – what better way to do it than watch professional actors portray action figures and run away from cgi explosions?

 

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“G.I. Joe: Retaliation” looks…quite fun?

Nobody could ever call me a movie snob – witness my “Underworld”, “Resident Evil” and Paul Anderson fandom – but even I drew the line at the first “G.I. Joe” film.

Family-friendly action shenanigans or fetish-tastic farrago?

For reasons which I can’t quite pin-point, this action franchise wannabe induced such a wave of apathy in me that I couldn’t get past the first twenty minutes.   The action was dull, the characters barely existed – being based on a toy line, I guess that’s not exactly a surprise – and even the presence of the reliably awesome Joseph Gordon Levitt didn’t make me want to continue watching.

It was with some surprise, then, that I have viewed the Super Bowl trailer for the forthcoming “G.I. Joe – Retaliation” sequel and not thrown up in my mouth.

I know, I know – weirdsville.

Perhaps it’s the presence of Dwayne Johnson, whose charm and imposing presence deserves an actual movie franchise that he can dominate in the same way that he bestrode the utterly preposterous and absolutely glorious “Fast Five”?  He may be one of those rare movie stars whose charisma is such that they be in any old dreck and somehow render it broadly watchable purely by force of personality.

Yes, I have a man-crush on The Rock. What of it?

There’s something about the Ninja aspect of things – whose heart doesn’t sing at the sight of primary coloured practitioners of the Japanese martial art giving each other a good old shoeing whilst rappelling down the side of a mountain?

Climb every mountain/kick every Ninja's ass...

As if to put the cherry on top of the proverbial chocolate cake, then this guy shows up to make the whole thing even more of a delight…

"And that's what you get for being Ashton Kutcher!"

I don’t mind telling you – it’s going to be a right old turn up for the books being the only forty-something guy in the theatre who isn’t reliving his “G.I. Joe” action figure battles playing out on screen when this opens in the summer…

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