Tag Archives: Horror Movies

Your mid-week, ultimate gruelling terror update…

Anybody else watching “Suburgatory“?

Seriously, if they ever need to reboot “Gilmore Girls”, your new Rory is here…

It’s a charming family comedy with a pleasingly barbed, jaundiced world view which often undercuts the network-sanctioned important lessons which heroine Tess (Jane Levy) has to learn.

Suffice is to say that Ms Levy’s movie project for 2013 is a little different

“Klaatu, Barada, Nikto”

If you have a strong stomach and a love of the series, I highly recommend viewing the Red-Band, very NSFW trailer – if you have a more delicate constitution, perhaps it’s one to skip.

As a wise man once said, “Groovy”.

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A Season of Vamps: “Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter”

Oh, hell yes...

To watch the newly-released teaser trailer for “Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter” is to encounter a film which has apparently been made with a very specific demographic in mind.


The things which this movie appears to deliver are numerous.  I love me some Timur Bekmambetov – his deranged mind previously brought you “Night Watch”, “Day Watch” and “Wanted”.  There’s plenty of vampires, as the title would have you believe – no false advertising here.  We’ve got a train-track full of anachronistic absurdity, fashion models acting, over-cranked slow motion and bonkers action sequences apparently dreamt up after a pre-sleep cheese supper and far too much espresso the morning afterwards.

I’m particularly fond of the bit with Abe having a dust up on horseback in the middle of a stampede.  Ripped from the history books, so it is.

Of course, by the same token, if some utterly hatstand visionary young turk were to dream up “Margaret Thatcher – Werewolf Smasher” and cast Emily Blunt as the Grantham Grappler, I’d have to watch the shizz out of that project, too.

Funny how a still from "The Wolfman" just works for my harebrained horror mash-ups, huh?



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“Resident Evil: Retribution” new image, teaser poster and release date

So, it's a low-key, period costume piece, then?

The internets, they keep on giving.

Over on the “Resident Evil” movie Facebook page, there’s a link to this delightful teaser poster for this year’s “Retribution” sequel.  Everything’s gone all Mayan, you might say.

If you’re keeping score, it’s the fifth movie in the Paul Anderson/Milla Jovovich series of game-to-film adaptations and as the last movie – “Afterlife” – was the highest grossing entry in the franchise, it’s hard to see how the September 14th release of this latest film will be anything other than a hit – the fans of the games bitch about the diversions from the game storyline and still buy tickets, the critic’s reviews are (let’s be candid) quite beside the point and at the end of the week, I can think of no more enjoyable experience than heading to the cinema to see Milla Jovovich kicking zombies in the head.

This is the part where Milla negotiates nicely with the zombie horde, yes?

Well, it would be even better if it wasn’t in 3D, but I’m going to lose that battle, so why fight it in the first place?   Stupid glasses it is.

Everybody look at me/'Cause I'm sailing on a boat...

And September 14th, by the way, seems to be the release date for the UK and US – our friends in Australia and New Zealand have to wait until October for the film, which seems desperately unfair or a rare mercy, depending on how you see things.

Isn’t the digital age supposed to bring an end to this idea of stupidly staggered release dates?  Can’t we all share the guilty pleasure awesome at the same time?


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“Resident Evil: Retribution” gets a teaser trailer…Now with screencaps!

The folk at Sony’s genre label, Screen Gems, know their audience.

Ladies and Gentlemen, it's "Mama Mia 2"...

We’re not bothered by review embargoes, lousy reviews or any of that stuff.  We want genre, we want it made by reasonably competent film makers and, if possible, headlined by actresses who look barely capable of picking up their dry cleaning without an entourage in tow, let alone in kicking the snot out of zombies, were-beasts and toothsome Euro Trash.

Accordingly, Screen Gems have chosen this Friday’s release of “Underworld: Awakening” to debut the trailer for this autumn’s fifth (count ’em) entry in the remarkably resilient “Resident Evil” sequence of action horror movies, “Resident Evil: Retribution”.

And – it’s a doozy.

No, you're not imagining things. This is how the trailer begins.

Beginning with the most absurd piece of product placement since the last Bond movie, the trailer for Paul W.S. Anderson’s latest has nearly thirty seconds of smiling, pretty people speaking to camera for some kind of infomercial, each one of them happily  brandishing some piece of Sony home electronics consumer tech which defines their oh-so-photogenic lifestyles.

Look, a PS Vita! What does this have to do with "Resi", again?

How very nice and synergistic.

That'll be Ada Wong's introduction into the films, then.

This surreal advertorial abruptly shifts into a scene of utterly razor-toothed mayhem, as Milla Jovovich pops up on top of a besieged White House, and a sizzle reel ensues.  Massive mutant creatures chasing a vehicle,  a fleet of armed heli-gunships, surprise returning characters, new global locations and lots of the utterly insane action which has become this series’ defining characteristic.

My name's Alice. And I remember everything. Or nothing. Possibly some Kung Fu.

Physics?  Plausibility? A pox on ye!

And then EVERYTHING exploded...

There’s some kind of correlation to be drawn between the reviews for these movies – try to find a critic who likes them – and their ever-increasing success at the global box office.  Like the similarly critically reviled “Fast and Furious” movies, the opinions of the critical establishment have no bearing on the audience paying their money to go to see each film, as each film makes a ton of money and begets another sequel in another two years or so, in some strange parody of the way that the movie business is supposed to work.

Mr Wesker respects your critical view of his film. Please now allow his Zombie Rotweillers to eat you. Have a nice day.

A movie series based on a video game sequence acting as an agent of unpredictable agitation in a staid entertainment sector and making up new rules on the fly?  Stranger things have happened.

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Trailered – “The Cabin in the Woods”

Joss Whedon is like nerd catnip to me.  I have a dvd shelf groaning with the “Buffy” DVDs, the complete seasons of “Angel”, “Firefly”, “Dollhouse” and more copies of “Serenity” than anybody really needs to own.

Exhibit A:

Yep, that's one of the three or four copies of "Serenity" which I own...

Yes, friends, that’s what hard-bitten fans of consumer electronics battles will recognize as an HD-DVD copy of “Serenity” – I didn’t buy an HD-DVD player solely to play this movie, but it was certainly a motivating factor in my picking up an Xbox 360 HD-DVD drive back in the day (don’t worry, I now own the movie on Blu-Ray, too, so I can still get my HD Whedon fix).

What I’m trying to say is that when it comes to Whedon, I’m prepared to follow him just about anywhere his muse takes him.  With that in mind, I was interested to see the trailer that Lionsgate posted the other day for the distaff horror movie, “The Cabin in the Woods” which Whedon wrote and produced in 2009.  This horror hybrid suffered a long delay due to green-lighting studio MGM’s financial troubles during the last few years and finally gets a release in the states on April 13th, 2012.

Filmed so long ago that Chris Hemsworth is now a movie star...

The trailer starts by giving us a hint that this a horror movie with the now requisite amount of self-awareness and post-modern wit about genre conventions and tropes – this is not the empty-headed slasher crew of the late-70’s and early-80’s cycle of cinematic shockers.  So, they shouldn’t end up doing anything so stupid as to…

…go to this bloke’s out-of-the-way petrol station-cum-mass-murder waypoint.  Because that would be really ill-advised.  Are we sure that these kids are that bright?

Oh, it’s OK – they’ve got Thor and that lad from “Dollhouse” with them.  It’s all fine.

Nice place - I would totally stay there.

It’s only half-way through the trailer that the shizz really begins to hit the fan:

I await the rug being pulled from under my feet with ill-disguised glee...

Uh-oh.  Does this mean that it’s going to be post-modern, quasi-feminist and nobody’s going to be wearing hockey masks?

Now that's a home security system...

We’ve got sci-fi elements going on here – there’s more than a hint (with the trailer’s quick cuts of technicians pushing buttons and our heroes in the cabin being remotely viewed in some high-tech facility) that this horror film is as much about a critique of ‘reality’ TV and the way that entertainment has even invaded news gathering as it is about nubile college co-eds being sliced and diced in remote holiday locales.

Yes, this will end well...

Of course, I imagine that fans of slice-and-dice won’t be disappointed.  Knowing Whedon’s literary predilection for sparing the traditional slasher fodder and ensuring that you never know who’s going to meet the rough end of his reaper’s pencil, I heartily expect much of the main cast not to make it to the inevitable, video premiere spin-offs.

Where do these evil organisations find these wonderful lairs? In 'Sociopathic Architectural Digest' magazine?

Overall, I’m quite keen to see what Whedon and his collaborator/“Cloverfield” writer Drew Goddard do with the horror tropes available to them here.  I’d rather that this film was its own beast and not just the ‘let’s dice up young folk with a knowing wink’ fare which Eli Roth’s “Hostel” offered.

Knowing Whedon and Goddard’s work as I do, I’m sure that this film has a lot more on its mind than most studio horror efforts have the ambition (or latitude) to aim for.


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“Dead Island” – the movie (of the trailer)

In a move which either spells creative bankruptcy or a refreshing belief in the possibility of an adaptation far exceeding the quality of the original source material, film studio Lionsgate have announced plans to adapt developer Techland and publisher Deep Silver’s hit Zombie RPG “Dead Island”.


...you can check in, but you'll never leave.

With horror form in the shape of the “Saw” franchise at least Lionsgate are unlikely to get the genre jitters with marketing the end result if it actually goes into production, but it’s a topic of debate online as to which “Dead Island” we’ll be seeing at the multiplex.

The evocative, haunting horror tone poem of THAT trailer?  Or the slightly shonky, fairly broken shambling corpse of a game which the trailer had the slight misfortune to have advertised (honestly, trailer, you could do so much better than this game.  Have you considered perhaps advertising a Bioware game?  Something from Valve, perhaps?).

If Lionsgate’s film-makers go the literal route and adapt the game, expect dodgy voice acting, mental pop-in aplenty and the film to crash mid-way through the running time.  Not that the PC version is bugged beyond hilarity or anything, of course…

I kid, of course.  The DVD will explode in your player instead and kill you (it’s a +5 melee weapon…).

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